I love you' is never going to be enough
by Moonstone
Summary: Those words confined what he felt into a phrase so common and...human. They weren’t enough. She wouldn’t understand. Oneshot, James proposes to Lily. Fluff.


Laughter erupted form next to him and James found himself tearing his head away from his redhead on the floor and looking curiously around the table, trying to find a smile for himself to match that of everyone around him.

Truth be told he found no reason to laugh. His happiness was so serious that his mouth was fixed in a position where it was upturned at a corner as he watched her laugh. She could laugh for both of them for now. He just wanted to watch her and let the warmth seep through his skin and bathe him – it was just too much for his heart to contain. The amount of blood it had to pump when he was around her was bad enough. This warmth would surely kill it. And if it died, he'd die and he wouldn't be near her to have his heart jump around.

It was a vicious circle. It was sure to kill him. But it was the only type of happiness he completely and fully enjoyed and was sure that he would suffer without.

Was he suffering before she became his? Was he in a turmoil that he wasn't aware of? Or had she become the new happiness that he fed and lived on like a drug – so beautiful, so wonderful.

He gave up trying to laugh and went back to watching her, enjoying the feeling of his breath just disappearing as he watched her smile at something her friend said. It was nice not to breathe once in a while. Strangely enough, it felt as though she was the reason he was breathing in the first place.

She glanced over at him and smiled a different smile, making him have to clamp his teeth shut in order to stop his heart from jumping right out of his mouth and to her.

No matter how many times he looked at her, the same thing always happened. But today was different. It was all so extreme.

Seeing her walk out of their bedroom this evening was enough to stop all of time – he was sure it had stopped. It couldn't have continued. His heart and entire body had stopped working for too long. His jaw must have unhinged to a very uncomfortable state because he could still feel where he had had to slot it back into position.

Yet it wasn't one of those times when it took all his self restraint to prevent him from grabbing her and having her completely.

It was so much more than that – yet so much simpler. It was like he'd fallen in love with her all over again, just this time, so much harder; so hard that it hurt at times just to think of how she affected him.

He had just wanted to touch her and see if she was real, to see if this perfection was really his. Yet he had felt afraid to move, afraid to make time start again.

She had just smiled cheekily at his reaction and kissed him on the cheek, accepting his silence, so unaware of just how much she seemed to tear at his heart in the most blissful way.

Her simple white and blue slim dress made the bride of this wedding reception look exceptionally plain as she stood with her deep red hair curling its way down her back and shoulders, making her lips stand out even more while her green eyes shone at him, beckoning him over.

So he went. What choice did he have? His legs had a life of their own now, as did every part of his body when it came to her.

He reached her just as her friend said something to make her laugh and she looked at him expectantly. He couldn't laugh. It would ruin what she had created with hers.

"Excuse me Mary," he said, smiling politely as he took her gentle hand in his, "may I borrow this beauty for a few songs?"

Mary laughed and nodded, winking at Lily as she left.

He didn't give her time to respond as he pulled her to him and began to dance. She looked up confusedly at him as she placed one arm around his neck and the other on his chest.

"Something you want to say?" she asked. He shook his head and pulled her even closer.

"Nothing at all," he all but whispered as he caressed her chin, running his thumb along her jaw.

Even those simple words felt so choked and desperate, as if something was blocking them. And he knew exactly what was blocking him.

His wind pipe wasn't wide enough to fit his voice, air and his emotions at the same time.

She frowned slightly, "James, are you sure you're alright?"

She wasn't used to seeing him so serious. He hadn't made a single joke, nor had he made a bad attempt to imitate ballroom dancing as a slow number came on. He was just looking at her with so much in his eyes – she had never seen such a depth.

He didn't know what was prompting all of this. Was it her? Why hadn't it happened before? She had always been pretty. Yet now she was beautiful beyond belief. She had always been smart, funny, witty and wonderful. But now she was so perfect, even her imperfections were something of a wonder.

Letting out a short breath of air, he gently kissed her.

"You're so beautiful," he whispered, and that was all.

* * *

As he opened their apartment door and let them in, she watched him curiously as he shut it quietly and went to sit on the couch.

He hadn't said a word for the rest of the evening. Instead he had just stood by her - so close - holding her hand - so gently - and just saying goodbye politely to the rest of their fellow guests. He hadn't let go of her hand as they apparated back – only now. Yet she hadn't found it overbearing. Disconcerting, yes, but that was due to his silence that only he found comfortable.

And now he sat on the couch, looking at something that she couldn't see. What was wrong?

"Did you have fun, James?" she asked tentively through the silence.

James looked up from the small velvet box and at her. Smiling, he nodded, "it was lovely."

She felt her chest loosen at his now approaching-normal behavior and turned to the kitchen counter to make a cup of tea.

"Ellen was so lovely in that dress and Jacob looked so…"

He stopped listening to her voice as he gazed down at the box, becoming immersed in what it meant.

It wasn't something of a shock. He had bought that ring three weeks ago and was planning on putting it to use next week, at her birthday dinner.

Yet now, that seemed too late. He had felt these feelings before many times, like when she curled up to against him on the couch or in bed, or when she pulled him towards her when he collapsed onto bed after coming in late from work, but they had never been this strong, or demanding.

If he wasted one more second it seemed that either they would overwhelm every cell in his body and make him implode or it would all dissipate into an empty vast nothingness where there would be no trace of this blissful pain.

He had to do it now.

He had carried that ring around with him so that she wouldn't find it but now it seemed to have sat in his pocket acting like some sort of fiery source that made his and heart burn with a happiness so heavy that he was sure it would smash through his lungs.

He knew what it meant. The diamond gleamed at him and he knew.

Standing up slowly and putting the box in his pocket, he walked over to her and wrapped his arms around her waist, kissing her jaw softly and breathily, inhaling her scent, too scared to turn her around in case it all turned out to be some illusion.

She stopped talking and breathed but turned around and looked at him worriedly, placing her hands on his chest.

"James what's wrong?" she asked softly, "what's happened?"

He smiled softly and kissed her gently, "I love you," he whispered as he pulled away.

Her face softened slightly but the worry stayed, "I love you too but…"

He stopped her by taking her hand and pulling her into the centre of the room.

"I love you," he said again, with more stress. It all meant so much more than those words. Those words confined what he felt into a phrase so common and...human. They weren't enough. She wouldn't understand.

"And sometimes I don't realize how much until it builds up and up and up and then falls on me like…like…a…a…" he was struggling. She, and everything around her seemed to take all the words from his mouth and never give them back.

"…and I don't know what to do. And I know I do stupid things sometimes and act really idiotic but it's only because you make my heart jump around so much that it's like it forgets to pump to my brain."

She laughs in a slightly choked fashion but the smile doesn't last.

His heart was beating too fast and too slowly in his chest as he scrambled through the shambles he found to be his mind for words to speak. There were none that he found suitable. Yet there was so much to say.

"I…I find it so hard to believe, sometimes that…that all this is true," he continued jerkily, trying everything and anything to get out what was thumping with every heartbeat, "every time you smile or you laugh or you're near me it's like my throat is clogged and I can't breathe. But…But then when we fight and I think of how badly it could end I…I can't breathe either."

"James why are you…" she began, coming closer to him, trying to make sense of his ranting, but he didn't stop. There was too much now. He'd opened the lid and no matter how nonsensical or twisted and disjointed everything was, he couldn't stop it from spilling out now, like a waterfall – only not so perfectly timed.

"You make everything so…so easy and so wonderful and perfect like…like you," he continued, now not looking at her, but at the floor, as if it provided the sequence of words he needed, "but then that all makes it so hard to feel it all – everything you make me feel. It's like you're trying to…kill my heart."

She exhaled heavily and sharply in shock and he looked up abruptly, his eyes wide, as if he'd just realized what had happened.

"No, no, no…don't…it'd stop if you weren't here," he stammered hurriedly and then frowned.

Had he been making any sense at all? Or had he just mumbled a jumble of words that were, in some way, related to the singing and screaming and dancing and laughing in his body.

She exhaled slower this time and smiled confusedly before taking a careful step forward.

"James," she whispered as she came up against him, "why…wh…what are you trying to say? Is there something?"

He didn't smile back and hers fell. Maybe this wasn't just a mad confession of love. Maybe there was more to it, something painful and this was the balm.

She'd thought their relationship was fine-more than fine. Yet she could have been wrong in thinking that. Perhaps he was in a different place and she wasn't there to understand.

He touched her face again and she felt herself choke.

"I…I love you so much," he whispered. Why was that something to be so disturbed about?

"I love you too," she whispered back, unable to think of anything else to say to convince him that it was alright.

"I was going to do this later," he continued, his eyes now closed as he rested his forehead against hers, "on your birthday but it would be too late. It's too late now but still. I can't hold it in any longer."

She pulled away slightly and looked at him. None of this was making sense.

"I want to spend every living second, from now on, like this," he said, now looking straight at her, "this close to you and never letting go."

Pulling away from her completely he pulled the box out of his pocket and bent onto one knee.

She gasped and clutched her throat as she felt her pulse rate soar through it.

"I don't know what I've said so far," he continued, looking up at her, "and I don't know what else to say," he took her hand as he opened the box, "Marry me Lily?"

The silence around the room seemed to become so light that it was as if all the air was floating away from him as she stared, opened mouthed with her hand on her collar bone at the little seal of sliver and diamond.

Suddenly she let out something between a sob, cough and gasp before her hand found its way to her mouth and she looked at him, her eyes wide and green, emmersed in tears.

Swallowing just a second after him she nodded shortly.

His hand fell slightly slack. She nodded more slowly and definitely again, "yes," she whispered through her hand.

His breath caught somewhere in his throat as all the air rushed in on him and knocked him with the wonderful truth.

She stood in front of him, one hand by her side while the other remained her mouth and she began to shake as her cheeks and nose reddened and tears began to tremble down her cheeks. Exhaling softly he leapt up and took her lips with his in second.

She let out a sob into the kiss as his hand found hers and sealed her finger with the ring, and she kissed him back wrapping her arms around his neck.

Pulling away gently he nuzzled her nose with his as he looked upon her tear stained yet joy stricken face and smiled.

She smiled back shakily at him, tears clinging to her eyelashes, "I love you," she whispered, letting out a sob in the process at the thought of how unbearably short those words were, and he laughed.

Placing his hand on her jaw and rubbing a stray tear away with his thumb he whipsered to her, "They're never going to be enough for us."


End file.
